When I was young and I heard about the scars that life leaves in you, I thought they were the result of events that had happened to you. But no. It’s your own sins that scar you the deepest.
Over and again, last call for sin
The Killer, All the things that I’ve done
While everyone’s lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I’ve done
All these things that I’ve done
(Time, truth, hearts)
If you can hold on
If you can hold on
The other day I saw a tweet that asked ‘Have you forgiven yourself?’. Before I could stop my inner voice, it jumped and said “no”. Right, why sweeten it…
Then I thought… all right, I haven’t. However, if ‘all those things I have done’ had been done by someone else, a friend of mine for instance, would I have forgiven him? “Yes”, the voice answered. It doesn’t take me too long to forgive, so this was probably true. I was reasonably pleased with my answer, as it meant that no matter how bad those things were from a moral point of view, they weren’t so terrible that they could not be forgiven. Meaning they could be forgiven if someone else had made those mistakes, me of course I have to burn in hell.
I pushed this forward to see where it would take me. Had I not done ‘those things’, would I be able to forgive myself? “No”. Again, no doubt, straight answer. This is interesting… so it is not what I’ve done, then? I asked: before I had done ‘those things’ was I able to forgive myself? “No”. At least it was consistent… but puzzling.
So my ability to forgive myself, which I know is the task of a lifetime (or half, at least), is not based on my responsibility for ‘all of the things that I’ve done’, dreadful as they might be. Is it then about my mere existence? “Yes”, answered the voice. And how is that my fault? How can I feel guilty about an act I was not responsible for?
Guilt is a most fascinating emotion. I guess it evolved as part of our necessity to live with others and/or with our perception of free choice, but I’m not entirely sure. The fact that I cannot forgive myself (love myself would be a much more appropriate expression, but I’d rather use a euphemism) because of my mere existence is contradictory, since I do not have any responsibility in this act.
This reminded me of the original sin. The way I see it, the original sin symbolises the appearance of ego consciousness and its separation from the unconscious. It is associated with our acquisition of logic and knowledge, symbolised in the myth of the apple from the Tree of Knowledge. Separation from our unconscious is not a voluntary act, we do not ‘decide’ whether we want to leave it behind (as if we could…) and, quite on the contrary, we spend a big part of our lives trying to reconnect with it. I wonder if we feel guilty as a species. There is a collective unconscious (Jung), so why would there not be collective guilt? Especially if it is the result of the dawning of ego conscience. The appearance of conscience was a traumatic event from the point of view of the unconscious, a rupture, a betrayal even.
So why is it that I cannot forgive myself for leaving my unconscious behind? And, maybe more importantly, who is ‘I’ in this question? Where does this guilt arise from? I can see I have intellectualised it and associated it with things I have done in my life, things I feel ashamed about. But maybe this is one of those many occasions in which the ego conscience is trying to pin something it knows on something it does not understand in an attempt to make sense of it. So now I have a rational excuse not to forgive myself. It’s bad, but as long as it’s rational, my ego is calmed. It seems that I’d rather endure guilt and feel the ground beneath my feet than accept that life is beyond my control, that everything flows, that change is the only constant. Rationalising reduces anxiety even if it means that I have to accept guilt for a crime I did not commit.
This is a gift it comes with a price
Florence and the machine, Rabbit Heart (Raise it Up)
Who is the lamb and who is the knife
Midas is king and he holds me so tight
And turns me to gold in the sunlight
Yes, the appearance of ego consciousness has a bit of a crime taste. Who is the lamb and who is the knife… The comparison with the gift of king Midas is so appropriate. The price of logical ‘enlightenment’ that turns everything into gold, while it kills its soul.
Maybe guilt is not supposed to make sense. Maybe there is a purpose, rather than a cause, for the unconscious to push this nonsense guilt that precludes me from forgiving myself. Like putting a small stone in my shoe, making my life uncomfortable until I take care of it. Calling. Shouting. Rebelling. Until I find It. Him. Her.
I love that you quoted The Killers!
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I agree, the songs is great and the line is just perfect. Thank you for reading and for leaving a comment!
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Hi from Julia Preston at voicesinmyhead.blog! I very much appreciate your faithful readership, and wish i could return the favor because I would really enjoy your blogs—if I could get them! WordPress does not send email notices when you post ($#@%) and I’m not always very good about checking in on logs from others on ‘reader.” It’s really frustrating. Can you friend me on FB? Maybe we can chat by insta message. Hope to connect! Blessings! Julia
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Hi Julia, thanks a lot for reading! No idea how to help with the email notifications, sorry. In principle it should work, but it clearly doesn’t. Sorry, I don’t have FB… I do like your blog a lot, it always makes me think. All the best, Enrique
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Ah! There you are! So nice to hear from you! My ‘like’ button won’t work either, but if it did, I’d be liking yours. Maybe one day I’ll gird my loins long enough to see if WordPress can sort me out. It’s a lot like having to deal with computer glitches by phone—sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t but the process can take forever and be quite frustrating. Send prayers! 🙏🤪🙏 The last post made me sign in now I have to do it to send the 2nd one. 😡
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Hi again Julia. I just checked and I have no followers by email so far, according to WP. I tested it (in my website, not Reader) and it seems to work fine. I don’t know yet if it will forward the posts well. It seems to work for me for the blogs I follow (including yours). Not sure this helps…
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Thanks for checking. Apparently this is just my problem, not others. I used to get emails from those I follow, but they suddenly stopped, and when I try add a new blogger, I get some weird message that says something about my subscription that isn’t working. ????? Arrgh.
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