Trailing behind. Trailing behind. Trailing behind… but do I actually want to keep the pace?
A few years ago, I felt as I had fallen off the train. My train. I still have the mental image in my mind: a meadow with short grass, the empty rails, the sunset, silence. Nothing. I just looked at the train in the distance, as it left without me. My life had left without me.
At first, anxiety. When is the next train coming? How will I catch it, shall I run to gain some speed and then jump onto it? It looks easy on films, but will I be able to do it? I’m wasting precious time. When is it coming?
But there was no train passing. There was nothing. Just me. The sunset. The grass.
And then it dawned on me (at sunset…): do I really want to get back on that train? Did I really miss my life?
My whole mind was pushing, whispering, shouting … “no”.
“No” was such a difficult word to say sometimes… Somehow, I always felt compelled to say “Yes”. “Yes” is the word of love, the word of life, of existence, is it not? Everybody will love us more if we answer yes to their requests, won’t they? Or maybe it’s just easier to say yes, it requires less energy? Or it produces less guilt, maybe? One lesson that I learned very late in life is that sometimes “no” is the word of life, of my life, while “yes” is a word for the life of others. In a strange way, sometimes “no” is a word of affirmation. A word of difference. A “yes” to myself.
So, no, I will not catch the train. Leave without me. I shall stay here and wait.
“First, create your ego. Then destroy it. This is all of life.”Kamand Kojouri